ugly nasty hard shit - sick of it

i don't know how many times the "lucky" people who have to encounter me on a daily basis have heard me shout out, spit out - almost sob out - that i'm sick of it.

i'm sick of the people who cut you off in traffic and in life (who care more about themselves than the people around them - who continually think they are more important than everyone else) getting away with it.

i'm sick of being the bigger, better person. i'm sick of always saying "i'm sorry" first. i'm sick of making other people feel okay about treating me and people i care about like shit.

and i'm taking a break.

it may not be healthy. it may not be christian. it may not be who i've tried to be as a mother, daughter, friend, colleague, stranger. but it's where i'm at - and it's what i need to do right now.

i need to give myself a moment to feel hurt, tired, brokenhearted, fed up and pissed off.

i'm sick of walking the tightrope between tears and laughter every moment. and i know that that's just life - but, for the tiniest second, my anger is like a deep breath i haven't been able to take for months or that elusive nite of sleep, after which i might finally wake up without feeling tired.

there's something about reaching this limit that i need right now.

and i don't feel it just for me - but for everyone around me who is being disregarded, overlooked and even beat the hell up by accidental (and not-so-accidental) assholes. assholes who oh-so-often abuse their position as friends or family to justify their treatment of you while at the same time self-righteously judging the fact that you even have the balls to let them know that you're hurt by their actions and that their special brand of douchebaggery just isn't gonna fly anymore.

yup. i'm sick of it. and i'm going to ride this wave for a little while.

ugly nasty hard shit - a brief introduction

my silence has been the direct result of things i have just been too busy mucking through every moment to face head-on. i am now at the place where i need to look the ugly, nasty, hard shit right in the eyes and deal with it.

i like to be entertaining. funny. oddly touching, at times. but i have been too self-consumed and too balls-out in survival mode to do any of those things. mostly i've been scared shitless of baring the really sad, scary, broken parts. but it's come down to broken parts or nothing - so broken parts it is.

i'm just breaking the ice, here - mostly for me. but hopefully it will evolve into the greater purpose of writing some good stuff that is worthy for human consumption.

this is your only warning. what comes after this will be dripping with hurt, anger, pain, love, sadness - and the odd drop of hope.