It's not for me...it's for a friend

Today I bought something I never thought I would buy.

I was talking to Shal on the phone when I found myself standing in front of the "as sold on TV" section at my neighborhood Wal-Mart (I KNOW!!!).

Shal is getting ready for her 3rd annual pervy Christmas party with her work colleague Jason. Every year he throws a bash and the featured attraction is who can bring the most disgustingly perverted and sexually deviant "white elephant" gift.

Last year I went shopping with her. We thought her gift (including certain anatomically correct lollipops and a very wrong edition of 'poetry' magnets) was hilarious and TOTALLY naughty--but it fell flat at the party, and she ended up taking it home because no one fully appreciated our tongue-in-cheek deviancy.

While Shal was bemoaning her fatigue in the face of yet another dirty holiday party gift exchange, I was struck with inspiration at the Wal-Mart Wall of TV-schlepped crap.

I suggested that she consider taking a gift that only sounds dirty, but really isn't. Hoping, once again, that the apparently mentally-challenged party guests would get the joke. I started naming off items.

"Smooth Away: Works Wonders on Sensitive Areas!"

"Ped Egg: Designed to Use Anywhere with No Mess!"

"Bumpits: From Flat to Fabulous in Seconds!"

Before I could continue, she stopped me, "Did you say Bumpits?"

"Yeah, Bumpits."

"They have Bumpits?"

(Now I was getting scared.)

"...Yeah...Why? Do you want one?"

"Actually, I do."

I almost dropped the phone.

"How much is it?"

Shal continued to explain that she wanted the Bumpits as a gag gift for another colleague at work. She also mentioned that she had been at another Wal-Mart earlier and hadn't seen the mind-bogglingly appealing Bumpits.

Needless to say, I offered to pick up the Bumpits for her. When I approached the cashier I felt like a kid buying condoms for the first time. Obvious, naked, and an object of lightly-veiled sniggering mixed with a slightly shameful jealousy.

As I handed my pink Bumpits box to the cashier I was overcome with the desire to blurt out, "It's not for me! It's for a friend!"

Amazingly, I held my tongue. I mean, come on--who would ever believe it?

Walking out of the store, pink box of shame secured within my giant purse, I called Shal.

"I've got your Bumpits in the bag."

Her exuberant laughter was my reward.