Dating Don'ts for Clueless Guys

Contrary to popular belief, my many years of dating have not been fruitless. Quite the opposite. These varied, often hilarious, sometimes sad and almost always mind-boggling experiences have given me a font of knowledge about what NOT to do. And, it is my fervent belief, that the more I learn about what I DON'T want the closer I come to possibly recognizing what I MIGHT want should it buy me a dirty Belvedere martini, laugh at my jokes and tell me I'm pretty.

To assist my future Mr. Maybe (and save countless millions of other women from enduring the following) I share my list of the top things men should NEVER do when engaging in the treacherous and titillating ritual of courtship:

(in no particular order)

DON'T...

1)...open with "I just really want someone to spend time with--maybe go to the movies or have dinner with. And, of course, sleeping together would be great."

2)...show me your porn collection.

3)...say "If it wasn't for my dog I'd be hanging from the rafters."

4)...do a confrontational Dr. Drew/Dr. Phil psychoanalysis of me, my failed marriage and my (apparently obvious) intimacy issues on a first date (or ever, really--that sort of emotional abuse is pretty much my territory anyway).

5)...say "I'm sorry if I'm acting like a dick." The minute the phrase enters your mind you are DEFINITELY acting like a dick. I don't need you to bring more attention to it or invite me to comment. That will NEVER end well.

6)...schedule a date and then call the day of to say you don't have a car so can we meet somewhere close to a bus stop, THEN once we meet at said bus stop say you don't really have any money so can we just go for a walk or maybe go dutch for a crappy cup of coffee, THEN (why am I still there?) ask if I can give you a ride home because you just spent your bus money on coffee.

7)...constantly talk about a) your ex-girlfriend b) all your other girl "friends" c) your parole officer d) why your bad habit of choice (pot, alcohol, unemployment) hasn't adversely affected your life--in any way--at all--really.

8)...invite me for coffee and, after a cursory greeting, say "A lot of women do NOT look like their pictures, so I like to do something really non-committal in case I want to escape--but if she seems cool, I'll take her out to dinner. Shall we see how it goes?"

9)...email/text/facebook or answer calls from another girl you're also dating while we're together.

10)...after you've emailed/texted/facebooked or answered a call from another girl, ask my advice on how the conversation went/what she might be thinking/how you're treating her

11)...expect to kiss, hug or do anything else to me after committing any act listed 1-10