eHarmony disHarmony

So I'm expired with eHarmony.

My favorite Bachelor #2 is MIA.

A hopeful Bachelor #3, whom I nicknamed the Urban Redneck, has devotedly texted me for more than a month of mornings with increasingly "ewww" messages (e.g. Have a SUPERlicious day!) that are very sweet, but just not my flavor.

After too much life and too much work and too many reschedules of our first "let's get drinks" (all but one my fault) arrangements, I decided I had to cut him loose. I know he's not right for me (I present: SUPERlicious, gages in his ears, and a midlife infatuation with tats) and while I'm trying to be open-minded, I know that meeting in person will not turn this into a blissfully happy eHarmony commercial.

But, sometimes, the idea that I will be on my own into the foreseeable future makes me embarrassingly, unforgivably and inexcusably sad. I don't have a crazy dream of a Prince Charming and "happily every after," but there are moments when I feel undeniably alone.

I am not lonely, but I have (shockingly) a lot to say (and most of it I think it pretty damn funny and/or insightful), and a lot that I want to share and when I have only a glass of wine and a bathtub to share it with, I sometimes get the strange feeling that something is missing.

I have tried to be very stoic and strong (at least on the surface) in the face of Savannah's graduation and inevitable move out on her own. I know that those closest to me don't think I've been as "together" as I feel I've been, but the fact that I didn't totally break down at her graduation was a huge triumph for me.

Yesterday, however, when I dropped her of at the University of Utah for her overnight orientation (where she will test-drive the dorms, etc.) I totally lost it.

She didn't know because I had my giant movie-star sunglasses on, but I had to take a detour back to work because I didn't want anyone to be able to tell that I had been crying. Like a baby.

As I write this on the couch, in candlelight, with Keeping Up With the Kardashians on the TV (and the random tear rolling down my cheek), I can't help but wonder if part of my pathetic emotional state is the prospect of night after night (year after year) of being right here. Alone. Typing my ramblings to a few interested souls.

What sucks the most is that I don't think I need a man, a "nother," a partner, etc. to be complete. I don't really feel that I need more than my wonderful (if infuriating) girls, my awesome friends, my family and the gifts of life and beauty and love that I have and experience every single day. So, when I feel these weird waves of...I don't know, nostalgia or acceptance or whatever...that plays my future out mostly by myself and it leaves me sad, I feel defeated and frustrated.

So, in summary, eHarmony is over. I did meet someone that I was interested in exploring more with. It didn't pan out. I found no one else that really offered what I might be looking for. I don't feel a compulsive need to be in a relationship with someone...but sometimes I do feel acutely on my own.

I guess life continues. I am open to dating, but I don't feel like seeking it out--especially via modern dating venues (i.e. online dating). I am focusing on getting the last boxes unpacked; on getting my elder daughter settled in her dorm for her first year away from home; and getting my younger daughter through summer school and graduated from high school (on time in three years).

Unfortunately, this concludes my eHarmony posts. But--I do hope to be dating in the near-ish future, and will be happy to share my exploits. In the meantime, please send all those eligible bachelors you know my way!