Monday, May 24, 2010

Mustache in Dad Jeans Seeks Honesty

I just buckled down and sorted through my 139 new/unviewed matches on eHarmony. I now have 5 in the "new" category (I'm still mulling them over), 38 in the "communicating" category (but I'm only really communicating with about 10) and 140 in the "archived" category.

Tonite was an onslaught of mustaches, dad jeans and (once again) 9 out of 10 guys who named the number one thing they're looking for in a "partner" as HONESTY, INTEGRITY, MORALS, FAITHFULNESS (and yes--they are usually in ALL CAPS).

I know I have bitched about this before--and I also want honesty, morals, etc. in a "partner"--but come on! I'm not going to look forward to a second date or obsessively check my email or phone because of honesty. Honesty will not make my heart race or compel me to change my clothes five times before leaving the house in the first outfit I tried.

I choose to believe that I can find a fun, attractive, smart, witty guy who is ALSO honest and has morals. Call me a dreamer, but I want it all.

The guys who weren't mustaches in dad jeans either remind me of my dad or obviously have no friends or family with enough balls to tell them that their picture is very sad and that a smile is NEVER overrated.

Maybe I'm just too tired after my never-ending move (that has, finally ended--mostly) or too cynical (as usual), but tonite's exercise makes me pretty excited that I am just around the corner from my final month on eHarmony. Hopefully the newly organized inbox will leave me a tad more excited to check out my next new match--after all, weeding the flowerbed is the only way to make room for more flowers...not that I want to date a flower...or imply that the guys I don't dig are noxious interlopers...actually, this analogy sucks. I'm just going to stop. Now. Really.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Open Casting

Following lantern-related and other adventures in idiocy, I finally have power and a somewhat unpacked living environment. But enough about the boring everyday-life details...on to the dating update!

My eHarmony Bachelorette train has lost some steam. Bachelor #1 seems to have felt the same "not quite right" vibe, and hasn't been heard from since Date #2. It's really so nice to not have to do any overt rejecting, etc. I have a pretty good track record for giving off enough subtle hints that the other person--whether potential amour or slacker employee--will make the choice to opt out before I have to do the dumping (or the firing).

I have grown quite fond of the idea of developing things with Bachelor #2. After our Mother's Day date, he texted me flirtatiously on Monday and again on Tuesday--then nothing. Against my will, I found myself checking for a message. I started to question what could have gone wrong. I began to replay the events of Sunday nite and even re-read our last text communication for signs of where things went awry. I wanted to act like I didn't care, but I really wanted to hear from him.

Holding auditions for the part of my love interest is a time consuming and exhaustive process. I had already given Bachelor #2 a call-back. It would only take one more date to have me considering offering him the role--at least on a trial basis. But I was suddenly in a black hole of doubt, uncertainty and silence. Worst of all, I was facing the possibility of having to start all over.

His birthday was Wednesday or Thursday, so I texted him a "Happy Birthday" in what I hoped was a very casual--but still cute and subtly appealing--manner. (It takes so much thought, review and calculation to be nonchalant but available--removed but engaged--attractive but not trying too hard.)

On Friday, while packing up and cleaning my former residence, my phone chimed--letting me know I had just received a text message. It could be from either of my daughters, Terri or any number of other people. But it wasn't. It was from Bachelor #2. He apologized for his delayed response and explained that some parental issues had arisen with his oldest and, subsequently, been monopolizing his time. He asked if he could explain on Saturday. I replied that it was no problem, I understood, and hoped everything was okay.

I didn't hear from him again until Sunday afternoon--when I got more details about the situation, but no hint as to when or if he wanted to get together again. Being a parent, I know that crisis with my kids would always take first priority, but I still felt a pang of disappointment.

I decided to let him know that I would love to see him again when things calm down, and leave it at that. Give him his space and see what happens. The stupid-girl part of me tends to obsess and imagine that he is just putting me off with convenient and totally acceptable "excuses" instead of just letting me know that: A)He has met someone else who is the love of his life and soul mate; B)I did something that freaked him out and totally turned him off; C)He's just not that into me (so hard to believe, I know, but I MUST consider every possibility!); or D) He was afraid I'd ask him to help me move.

Whenever I take a trip down this irrational trail, I instantly feel guilty and stupid. Guilty because I really don't think he'd use a kid trauma/drama to avoid me--and even considering that for a fraction of a second makes me a ridiculous, slightly crazy and cruel person that he wouldn't be interested in, in the first place! Stupid because I'm exerting this much energy and thought on a guy--and to make matters worse, it's a guy I've only seen three times (despite all of my efforts to avoid it--I end up being a silly girl)!

So...I find myself back to open casting. The role of my love interest is still wide open and a new round of auditions must be held (although I secretly hope that Bachelor #2 is still interested in the role and will let me know soon). Back to the eHarmony drawing board--or casting couch...stay tuned for a new round of Bachelors!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Misadventures and Mayhem--Part 1

Moving is a many-splendored thing...NOT! It is a showcase of my absent-mindedness, overwhelmed-nes, and sad, sad desperate-ness.

Thank Heavens for my awesome friends (and super-awesome Savannah) who helped me survive this very normal life activity for which I have absolutely no talent.

The first stupid thing I did was take Friday off to take care of all those little things that need to be taken care of, like transferring the utilities to the new place, putting in a change of address at the post office, etc. On the surface, it would appear that taking Friday off to do those things was, in fact, a smart thing.

But it was not.

Bright and shiny Friday morning I pulled up to an eerily empty parking lot in front of Bountiful City Hall (that is where the utilities is housed). As I approached the front door with an ever-increasing sense of doom settling in the pit of my stomach, I saw the sign--and it wasn't good. I had forgotten that all government offices have gone to a four day week. Fantastic.

Even better, is that when I reached for the light switch on Thursday nite--to unload some boxes and start putting the kitchen together--nothing happened. The owners of the new place (this is their first time renting) had disconnected the power--not left it to be transferred into my name.

I was screwed.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Life has been's your re-cap:

Bachelor #1
So I had date #2 with bachelor #1. And I stand firm that he is a GREAT dater! We went to the aquarium and looked at sea creatures. Then we went to Joe's Crab Shack and ate sea creatures. Sort of poetic and circle-of-life in its own, sick way. Then we went to a really awesome coffee shop. Where his dog-lover radar instantly found the barista's pup lounging outside and he was drawn magnetically to rub and fondle and "oooh" and "ahhh" about (the admittedly adorable) pooch. It was then that I decided I had to be completely honest.

"I'm not a dog lover," I said.

He looked at me with a little smirk, and said, "So how do you feel about children and old people?"

"I HAVE children and old people," was my immediate retort. I went on to explain that I am all for people who have and love their dogs, it's just that I'm more of a dog tolerator. I felt it was important to put that out there.

I haven't heard from him since. (Although, I was feeling that it was time to throw in the towel anyway--we're just not clicking on the right levels.)

It sucks.

Race for the Cure
Team Stacked was out in force. One woman we saw at The Cracker Barrel (where we went after for breakfast & where, seen through my friend's eyes, I laughed my ass off) asked if my t-shirt referred to my family name or my physical attributes. I responded that it referred to my triple-D friend's attributes, and they had taken pity on me and given me a t-shirt anyway. It was pretty awesome to be at the event with my grandma (survivor), my cousins (their mom lost her battle) and my long-time friend (survivor of 3 years)--even though I was a teensy bit grouchy due to walking five steps with grandma and waiting 10 minutes for her rest before taking the next five steps. I know I should be a kinder, gentler Becky--but I'm not. Kellie (survivor friend) seems seriously worried about my tightly-wound ways, while Terri (who sees me more regularly) thought I was surprisingly calm. I'll admit I have a problem--and as soon as I'm done moving and Savannah's graduation is over--I will put breathing and connecting to my inner-zen at the top of my list. For now, I will take another sip of chardonnay.

Bachelor #2
Sunday nite (mother's day) was date #3. He made very yummy salmon and we played Scrabble. He soundly kicked my ass--much to my dismay. In my defense, he is a Scrabble playing fiend while I am just a measly wordophile. I don't know all the tricky two-letter words and 50-point bonuses for using all your tiles. Although, I did challenge him successfully three times--he has a thing for French words. Sadly, not in the Scrabble dictionary.

Then he attempted to teach me how to play Rummikub. He only got as far as "lay your tiles on the rack" and I think the key words in that phrase distracted him and, well, we never played Rummikub. But our version was pretty fun. (And PG-13 for all you perverts out there!) I'm trying to get to at least date #4 before going "adults only."

We've texted since, but no date #4 on the calendar yet.

Mother's Day
I inherited a basic dislike of Mother's Day from my own mother. It is a silly and needless holiday and (may I say) the biggest racket out there! I went to the store on Saturday and when I saw a gaggle of about 20 men gathered in one place I wondered what the hell was going on until I noticed the whole aisle of flowers and greeting cards that they were standing in front of. Mother's Day Madness! The parking lot was more full than Christmas Eve or Superbowl Weekend.

However--it is nice to be acknowledged. My own dear mother and loverly daughters took care of me. A deliciously scented basket of bathing accouterments from my mommy and the sweetest of gestures from my girlies. When I got home from church on Sunday afternoon, things were more awry than normal in the living room (even for moving). Turns out my baby chica decided to sell her Gamecube, controllers and games in order to get some cash to buy me a present. Savannah rode her bike to Greywhale in order to make the deal. They got $44 bucks for that Gamecube, et al. I got a movie & a CD. (And lovely flowers that I am admiring in my final days of the glorious bathtub, from Savannah.)

Well, that's all folks! ;)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The eHarmony Bachelorette

Tonite I had Date #2 with Bachelor #2. Tomorrow I will have Date #2 with Bachelor #1. I'm still trying to schedule Date #1 with Bachelor #3 and there's a new Bachelor #4 who I've been talking to on the phone.

"Do these guys know you're double-booking them?" Gabi asked. She meant "two-timing." Either way, I told her that I was neither double-booking nor two-timing. This was the selection process. This was dating.

Has reality TV taught her nothing? This is just like The Bachelorette--only slowed down to real-life speed. eHarmony is the producers selecting the most ratings-worthy bachelors for me to choose from. Their "levels of communication" are the first cocktail party where a large number of hopeful Romeos are summarily dismissed, early favorites are identified, a colorful character or two warrant a second thought, a kook or two may slide through to the next round and the way-too-nice-guy draws the audience's sympathy.

But--even slowed down--it is difficult dating multiple people at the same time. Everyone has their positives. No real negatives have yet been revealed. Everything is at the new, exciting, 'anything might be possible' stage. But, despite the hardships, I will soldier on.

Tonite Bachelor #2 and I had a lovely dinner at a little Italian place just down the street from my house. The food was great--and we had the whole place to ourselves. Then we went bowling, where I gave him some pointers on his game and then he proceeded to kick my ass. (It may have had a little something to do with my sharing a story about summer camp where one of the pastor's sons introduced a new element to the game: bowling for 'sex.' 'Sex' was hugs and kisses, but it can still have an invigorating effect on one's bowling performance!)

Then we played a couple games of pool (where--with no help from me--he once again kicked my ass). After that he showed me his batmobile. He has a souped-up D.A.R.E. car for his job at a nearby Jr. High (he's works for the Sheriff's dept.). It's a pretty sexy car. Tiny, sporty, red. I got to sit in the driver's seat--although I didn't get to drive. I think it's the first time I've ever been in a cop's car. Pretty cool, actually.

I'm not a cop groupie or anything, but I have long had a fascination with all things crime/justice/legal-ish. I had the Time-Life books on serial killers. I watched forensic science shows before CSI even existed. One of my favorite books is "In Cold Blood," which I read in an AP English class in high school (and which may have triggered my true-crime obsession). I have to take breaks from immersion because I start dreaming about the horrors I read. But, undoubtedly, I dig it.

And he has the BEST stories! (They will be shared when I am less tired and cozied up under the covers.)

So--it was a very nice second date. (I type, with a stupid grin sneaking across my face) Lots of fun.

AND--I am really excited about tomorrow nite's date. We're going to the aquarium to see the ping-yays! (that's penguins) Then heading to Joe's Crab Shack for crabs and some tequila (in honor of Cinco de Mayo!). It should be fun. Bachelor #1 is very good at the dating game.

So, while I'm starting to realize the challenges of dating eHarmony Bachelorette-style, it's a lot of fun. And, for now, I don't need to worry about that pesky final rose--we're still going on our one-on-one dates (and I'm having a great time!).