Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Grinding Teeth and Bleeding Cuticles on Nights Where Sleep Eludes

Sometimes I feel like I’m existing in a blur. In the fuzzy black spots you see when you close your eyes after a bright light shines in them. I feel intense and present but at the same time disconnected and strangely pulled to a different place. To the place beyond the fuzzy black spots—the place where they are bright circles of light.

I am in conflict. Compelled by the circumstances of choice and love that I have in my present life and tempted by the fantasy of an alternate reality where I live outside my current bounds, and have crazy, untamed hair and live off the kindness of strangers.

It makes no sense. It has no base in reality. But it is a comforting and disturbing recurring image of an alternate reality that will never exist, but is worth daydreaming about.

I have to believe that I am not unique. That everyone has some glimmer of fantasy/escapism in their life. That we all imagine a life lived differently after an un-made choice, a leap of faith, a decision made or not made. And it is not a symptom of discontent with current reality, but an awareness that other realities could be possible.

It may be a waste of time, but at times I am consumed by such thoughts. Seduced by ideas of alternate realities and an other-ness that doesn’t currently exist.

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