Every week when we watch the latest episode of "The Bachelor" and the inevitable invitation is put forth, "If you'd like to be our next Bachelor or Bachelorette contact us at..." Gabi insists that I should call them.
She is convinced that I would make a fantastic Bachelorette.
I always just shrug her off, but this past week I actually gave it some thought and, much to my delight, was able to identify quite clearly why this is such a bad idea.
First of all, the participants in this modern dating freak show are constantly going on and on about how they just KNOW they are there to find true love...and a HUSBAND! I would KNOW that I am there to visit exotic locales for free, date a bunch of guys at the same time without having to worry about how they feel about it (they volunteered!), get oodles of adoration and attention--and drink. A lot. Love? Husband? Meh...
Secondly, all of these women always have their hair perfectly (well, for them) coiffed and appear in full makeup. This would NEVER happen with me. I would be the train wreck Bachelorette who shows up with my hair messily pulled back, yesterday's mascara smeared under my eyes (there is a LOT of drinking, not to mention late nights, on this show!) and my wardrobe, rather than evening gown after evening gown, would most likely be an endless array of wifebeaters, holey jeans and either boots or flip flops depending on the season or locale.
Thirdly, the Bachelorette or Bachelor tends to go on and on about how they are falling in love with EVERYONE. They are excited, vulnerable and desperately afraid of heartbreak. I would be the one who doesn't fall in love with anyone. It is hard enough for me to let my guard down and open myself up to intimacy when I'm only dating one man--and for several months. I think it would be emotionally impossible for me to be open to love when I knew I was jumping from man to man in order to entertain America (oops! I mean, to find true love).
Finally, I couldn't stare at a wall of photographs of desperate, fame-seeking men and act like I was agonizing over which idiot to cut loose this week. I'm sorry, I think I would know immediately who I just couldn't stand and would be all too happy to send him on his way to continue seeking love in artificial, public forums far, far away from me.
I just don't know if America is ready for a cynical, unkempt, foul-mouthed Bachelorette. Thankfully, we'll never have to find out!