I usually like to think/talk/write about the things I enjoy about being single or dating or basically NOT being in a "relationship." (I have to put that word in quotes because that's how I say it. That's how I think it. That's how I respond to that word...I like to diminish its power or impact or meaning--even when I'm just writing about it and not trying to avoid being labeled as in one!)
So...I decided to make a list of things that I actually like about being in a relationship. (I'm actually kind of surprised at how brief the list is (and how many of the items are related to kissing)!
**Hearing "Hey Babe" or some other familiar, term of endearment that only a blood relative or romantic interest usually utters
**Someone to sit with me on Friday nite while I watch movies, eat pizza & drink wine (I thought of this on on Friday nite!)
**Someone who at least pretends to care about the minutiae of my day as I drone on and on sharing either a) something I think is desperately funny or b) something I think is desperately idiotic and, therefore, must be bitched about
**Backrubs, neckrubs, footrubs, just plain rubs, I guess...(I know that my list might seem heavily weighted to the physical, but that is the main area that is least abundant in my life--I have lots of emotional and social and fun support/oulets, but not so much physical contact with others in the human race)
**Feeling sexy & having someone to appreciate it (I often feel sexy but it's nice to have someone who notices, confirms your feeling and lets you know they like it!)
**Cooking and eating with someone who loves it--sharing smells, flavors, textures, creativity, laughs and (of course) kitchen kisses!
That's all I can come up with so far.
Maybe I just haven't delved deeply enough into myself and my reasons for being willing to continually revisit the dating (and potential relationship) scene. I know that I like to date and I like to have someone I'm excited about and I like having someone who's excited about me...but I think part of me has become pretty disconnected (whether that's a defensive move against potential hurt, disappointment or continued single-ness, I don't know) from the whole idea of falling into like or (heaven help me) love.
I think if I'm gonna really put my hands all over this, I'm going to have to spend some more time sitting in this inquiry. I don't really want to...but I'm afraid that I have become too compartmentalized and I need to integrate and open up some place of vulnerability, openness and acceptance if I want to be able to invite in a true possibility of like (baby steps, people!).