Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Boyfriends (Husbands) Just Don't Understand

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here, or reinvent the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" schtick, but sometimes I feel like D.J. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, except with male counterparts instead of parents. Here's my brief rundown of things that dudes just don't get.

When I tell you I like to get flowers and that I want some, I really mean it. Really. (Like, when should I expect the delivery man?)

My ass DOES look awesome in these jeans - and I want to hear it from your lips.

I do not want you to placate me right this minute. I want you to "get" that this argument requires follow-up.

All girls like to be told they're pretty, or hot, or beautiful - even if we say we want you to love us for our brains or our "sweet spirit."

When it's obvious that I've put some extra time into my appearance, you'd damn well better acknowledge it.

I do not like - in any way - being put in the position where I have to act like your mom.

I want to feel appreciated - even if it's simply for taking the garbage out after I just had a manicure.

I hear you when you tell me what you like/dislike/love/hate/hope for/feel anxious about/makes you laugh/makes you sad/want in bed...

After hearing what you've told me, I actually choreograph life events to cater to those very specific tastes/wants/needs that you have.

I want you to do the same thing for me.

I want you to love my friends and my kids and my family. I already love yours (and your animals).

Sometimes I need you to do something that you don't like just because it will make me happy. And I need you to fake it so hard that I don't feel one ounce of resentment or martyrdom from you before, during or after the event.

I like to be surprised (by things like candlelight and wine, flowers, a weekend getaway - use your imagination for fuck's sake!).

I care about how you're feeling all the time. I want to feel like you care about how I'm feeling too.

If I'm going to be late, I always let you know. I expect you to do the same - and when you don't, you'll probably need some protective gear before entering the house on your return.

I want to go out on real, bona fide, cheesy, getting-to-know-you, trying-to-impress-you dates. Still. Forever. I don't care if we've been together for 50 years - I still want to go on a date.

If I plan a date I want you to be overcome with my creativity/thoughtfulness/romantic spirit/efforts/how hot I look...(no matter what the date entails - I planned this FOR YOU!)

I want to feel like you respect me, my opinion, my smarts & my hutzpah!

If I'm not around when our favorite show airs, I want you to wait until I get back to watch it - even if I'm doing 25 to life.

Never fuck with my DVR shows - NEVER.

I believe there are certain boundaries that should never be crossed in a relationship that entails physical intimacy (let's keep the bathroom door closed, snookums!).

I do not want to hear about any gross thing that your body is currently doing. Believe me, my body could kick your body's ass in a gross-out contest and I would NEVER subject you to its innermost workings.

Laughing at my jokes matters. Word!

I try to do little things every day that show you how much you matter to me.

I'm not keeping track, per se, but, yeah...I probably am. (So don't be a repeat offender.)

I don't want to break up with you. I don't want to start over. I don't want to miss you. I just want you to hear what I say, care about how I'm feeling, and do something about it.

And, finally, I want you to pour me another glass of wine. STAT!

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