Boyfriends (Husbands) Just Don't Understand

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here, or reinvent the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" schtick, but sometimes I feel like D.J. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, except with male counterparts instead of parents. Here's my brief rundown of things that dudes just don't get.

When I tell you I like to get flowers and that I want some, I really mean it. Really. (Like, when should I expect the delivery man?)

My ass DOES look awesome in these jeans - and I want to hear it from your lips.

I do not want you to placate me right this minute. I want you to "get" that this argument requires follow-up.

All girls like to be told they're pretty, or hot, or beautiful - even if we say we want you to love us for our brains or our "sweet spirit."

When it's obvious that I've put some extra time into my appearance, you'd damn well better acknowledge it.

I do not like - in any way - being put in the position where I have to act like your mom.

I want to feel appreciated - even if it's simply for taking the garbage out after I just had a manicure.

I hear you when you tell me what you like/dislike/love/hate/hope for/feel anxious about/makes you laugh/makes you sad/want in bed...

After hearing what you've told me, I actually choreograph life events to cater to those very specific tastes/wants/needs that you have.

I want you to do the same thing for me.

I want you to love my friends and my kids and my family. I already love yours (and your animals).

Sometimes I need you to do something that you don't like just because it will make me happy. And I need you to fake it so hard that I don't feel one ounce of resentment or martyrdom from you before, during or after the event.

I like to be surprised (by things like candlelight and wine, flowers, a weekend getaway - use your imagination for fuck's sake!).

I care about how you're feeling all the time. I want to feel like you care about how I'm feeling too.

If I'm going to be late, I always let you know. I expect you to do the same - and when you don't, you'll probably need some protective gear before entering the house on your return.

I want to go out on real, bona fide, cheesy, getting-to-know-you, trying-to-impress-you dates. Still. Forever. I don't care if we've been together for 50 years - I still want to go on a date.

If I plan a date I want you to be overcome with my creativity/thoughtfulness/romantic spirit/efforts/how hot I look...(no matter what the date entails - I planned this FOR YOU!)

I want to feel like you respect me, my opinion, my smarts & my hutzpah!

If I'm not around when our favorite show airs, I want you to wait until I get back to watch it - even if I'm doing 25 to life.

Never fuck with my DVR shows - NEVER.

I believe there are certain boundaries that should never be crossed in a relationship that entails physical intimacy (let's keep the bathroom door closed, snookums!).

I do not want to hear about any gross thing that your body is currently doing. Believe me, my body could kick your body's ass in a gross-out contest and I would NEVER subject you to its innermost workings.

Laughing at my jokes matters. Word!

I try to do little things every day that show you how much you matter to me.

I'm not keeping track, per se, but, yeah...I probably am. (So don't be a repeat offender.)

I don't want to break up with you. I don't want to start over. I don't want to miss you. I just want you to hear what I say, care about how I'm feeling, and do something about it.

And, finally, I want you to pour me another glass of wine. STAT!

Dating Don'ts for Clueless Guys

Contrary to popular belief, my many years of dating have not been fruitless. Quite the opposite. These varied, often hilarious, sometimes sad and almost always mind-boggling experiences have given me a font of knowledge about what NOT to do. And, it is my fervent belief, that the more I learn about what I DON'T want the closer I come to possibly recognizing what I MIGHT want should it buy me a dirty Belvedere martini, laugh at my jokes and tell me I'm pretty.

To assist my future Mr. Maybe (and save countless millions of other women from enduring the following) I share my list of the top things men should NEVER do when engaging in the treacherous and titillating ritual of courtship:

(in no particular order)

DON'T...

1)...open with "I just really want someone to spend time with--maybe go to the movies or have dinner with. And, of course, sleeping together would be great."

2)...show me your porn collection.

3)...say "If it wasn't for my dog I'd be hanging from the rafters."

4)...do a confrontational Dr. Drew/Dr. Phil psychoanalysis of me, my failed marriage and my (apparently obvious) intimacy issues on a first date (or ever, really--that sort of emotional abuse is pretty much my territory anyway).

5)...say "I'm sorry if I'm acting like a dick." The minute the phrase enters your mind you are DEFINITELY acting like a dick. I don't need you to bring more attention to it or invite me to comment. That will NEVER end well.

6)...schedule a date and then call the day of to say you don't have a car so can we meet somewhere close to a bus stop, THEN once we meet at said bus stop say you don't really have any money so can we just go for a walk or maybe go dutch for a crappy cup of coffee, THEN (why am I still there?) ask if I can give you a ride home because you just spent your bus money on coffee.

7)...constantly talk about a) your ex-girlfriend b) all your other girl "friends" c) your parole officer d) why your bad habit of choice (pot, alcohol, unemployment) hasn't adversely affected your life--in any way--at all--really.

8)...invite me for coffee and, after a cursory greeting, say "A lot of women do NOT look like their pictures, so I like to do something really non-committal in case I want to escape--but if she seems cool, I'll take her out to dinner. Shall we see how it goes?"

9)...email/text/facebook or answer calls from another girl you're also dating while we're together.

10)...after you've emailed/texted/facebooked or answered a call from another girl, ask my advice on how the conversation went/what she might be thinking/how you're treating her

11)...expect to kiss, hug or do anything else to me after committing any act listed 1-10