Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Hate Mail for Christopher Hayden

Dear Christopher,

We don't know one another, and for that you should be grateful, because I have a very deep-seated disdain and dislike for you and your half-hearted deadbeat daddy antics. Not to overlook the sleazy, interfering, always-ready-to-hop-in-bed opportunism you employed whenever it struck your fancy to be in mating range of Lorelai.

I don't care that you were 16 years old and that you didn't have any balls, backbone or moral compass to guide you to do the right thing and be there for the human being that you willingly created. You sucked as a father - actually - you never were a father. You were a sperm-donor, and in that department I have to say you did pretty well. Rory is, after all, a successful, attractive, smart, fairly compassionate person and you did supply half of her genetic material. Beyond that, though, you were a complete zero.

Where were you for the first 16 years of Rory's life? You never even visited the town where she lived - and when you finally did, your credit card was declined trying to buy some favor in the form of a book.

After you made your big reappearance, you acted like you were owed full daddy rights - whether in regard to parental concern or taking pride in the kid's accomplishments. You can't stroll in 16 years later and lay claim to a lifetime that you completely neglected. It's easy to walk in and start marking your parental territory when the kid is just about 15 minutes away from fully-baked. Their basic character, values, ambitions, etc. are pretty much already set at that point - and to try to take any credit for how that turned out while you were nowhere in sight is disgusting.

But, not to worry, because you were gone again soon enough. And you didn't even make an effort to see the girl graduate from high school. The man who serves her coffee was there, but her DNA donor? No way.

And, FYI - inheriting a bunch of money doesn't wipe out the jackassery of the past. Sure, it was great to give Rory some help and let Emily and Richard ease off the checkbook (although we know it led to the Rory Gilmore Observatory), but it doesn't make you a hero. Money today doesn't make up for not being there yesterday. Especially when you didn't have to work hard or sacrifice anything to make the gesture.

By the way - I think it's awesome that you got a little bit of comeuppance when Sherry hit the road and Gigi turned into the second coming of the green-pea spewing girl from the "Exorcist." If it's wrong to gloat at an asshat's well-deserved misery, then I don't want to be right. If only you'd somehow lost all the money and had to struggle like Lorelai did with Rory, the justice would have been so much more poetic.

Beyond your seriously lacking performance as a father, you were fantastic as a lust-driven douchebag. You played that role perfectly. Sure, it takes two to tango, but you never even considered turning Lorelai away - even when you were still with Sherry. You just couldn't wait to get back in that Gilmore girl's panties. And trying to turn it into some long, lost, fated destiny was just pathetic - even if Lorelai fell for it.

Every time you had a chance to be better you missed it. Even when you had finally done all the supposedly right things, including getting married (GAG!), you still acted like a schmuck. Boo-hoo that Lorelai couldn't instantly turn off all her feelings for the man who has been in her life (and Rory's) all the years you weren't.

You acted like the same 16-year-old doofus who lamely said, "I guess this means we have to get married now," while staring at his newborn baby - then promptly disappeared.

You were jealous and threw a temper tantrum and to prove your point decided to just blow off the fact that your father-in-law had a heart attack? Way to give your wife and daughter and a whole pile of other people who tried to love you and defend you (and always gave you one more chance) a great big middle finger.

The fact is, I could probably spew this hateful vitriol for days, but I don't wish to give you any more time than you deserve. I just needed to get this off my chest. I really, really don't like you. And I don't think you were ever a good guy. I'm not sure what I'll see from you when I finally get to catch up with the whole gang (only 16 more days!) but my bet is it'll only fan my flames of rage and disgust.

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out - because even if you do show up, we know you'll be running scared in no time. I'd like to say I look forward to seeing you again, but I really don't.

Terribly vexed,


Day #16 Gilmore Girls Words to Live By

"I can be a family man. I'm responsible now."

"Honey, you can't even buy a book without having your credit card declined."

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