Thursday, December 10, 2009

It's not for's for a friend

Today I bought something I never thought I would buy.

I was talking to Shal on the phone when I found myself standing in front of the "as sold on TV" section at my neighborhood Wal-Mart (I KNOW!!!).

Shal is getting ready for her 3rd annual pervy Christmas party with her work colleague Jason. Every year he throws a bash and the featured attraction is who can bring the most disgustingly perverted and sexually deviant "white elephant" gift.

Last year I went shopping with her. We thought her gift (including certain anatomically correct lollipops and a very wrong edition of 'poetry' magnets) was hilarious and TOTALLY naughty--but it fell flat at the party, and she ended up taking it home because no one fully appreciated our tongue-in-cheek deviancy.

While Shal was bemoaning her fatigue in the face of yet another dirty holiday party gift exchange, I was struck with inspiration at the Wal-Mart Wall of TV-schlepped crap.

I suggested that she consider taking a gift that only sounds dirty, but really isn't. Hoping, once again, that the apparently mentally-challenged party guests would get the joke. I started naming off items.

"Smooth Away: Works Wonders on Sensitive Areas!"

"Ped Egg: Designed to Use Anywhere with No Mess!"

"Bumpits: From Flat to Fabulous in Seconds!"

Before I could continue, she stopped me, "Did you say Bumpits?"

"Yeah, Bumpits."

"They have Bumpits?"

(Now I was getting scared.)

"...Yeah...Why? Do you want one?"

"Actually, I do."

I almost dropped the phone.

"How much is it?"

Shal continued to explain that she wanted the Bumpits as a gag gift for another colleague at work. She also mentioned that she had been at another Wal-Mart earlier and hadn't seen the mind-bogglingly appealing Bumpits.

Needless to say, I offered to pick up the Bumpits for her. When I approached the cashier I felt like a kid buying condoms for the first time. Obvious, naked, and an object of lightly-veiled sniggering mixed with a slightly shameful jealousy.

As I handed my pink Bumpits box to the cashier I was overcome with the desire to blurt out, "It's not for me! It's for a friend!"

Amazingly, I held my tongue. I mean, come on--who would ever believe it?

Walking out of the store, pink box of shame secured within my giant purse, I called Shal.

"I've got your Bumpits in the bag."

Her exuberant laughter was my reward.


Shalamar said...

What an awesome friend you are, and so very funny!

John said...

very pervy - i loved the lollipop-in-cheek humor
i had all sorts of "comments" i wanted to leave, but they all seemed pretty darn pervy. and i have my reputation, you know, to, um - keep.